WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS MATURE CONTENT… it’s not for young eyes and ears… it’s for the love of my dad!
In the weeks since the stay at home order has gradually lifted, there is an awareness building of the vastly different approaches to getting back out into the world.
At one extreme, there are those who were never into it and didnāt participate to begin with and on the other extreme, there are the fearful who are not yet ready to venture out.
Somewhere in the middle, we have those who are āover itā and those who are strategically calculating their exposure and cautiously weighing their every move to optimize their time spent āout thereā while staying within the bounds of their risk-comfort-zone.
Iām admittedly in the latter camp. But, Iām incredibly envious of the āover itā crowd – it seems so luxurious and free.
In the same breath, Iām legitimately stymied by the āover itā crowd. When did that become an option? How does one get over a pandemic while it is still happening?
Speaking of still happening⦠The Black Lives Matter movement has effectively resurfaced many buzzwords in the media including the following: privilege, bias, and shame.
I bring that up because those very words come to mind when I observe and experience the post-quarantine re-entry approaches identified above. And Iāll pause there to say that Iām not putting this on the level with hundreds of years of racial oppression, however, I am paralleling the psychology of human response and the detriment of group-think.
groupĀ·think /ĖÉ”roĶopĖTHiNGk/ noun: group-think the practice of thinking or making decisions as a group in a way that discourages creativity or individual responsibility.
Iām going to take some heat from that comparison; so allow me to explainā¦
I acknowledge that I am biased. My dad is in the high-risk category for COVID and while he is outwardly the picture of health (where 75-year-olds are pictured), on paper, heās the poster-child for those who should avoid exposure AT ALL COST.
In other words, he doesnāt have the luxury – or the privilege – of being āover it.ā
And so, neither does my mom⦠or anyone else whoād like to see him remain in the āpicture of healthā category (or in the picture, period); i.e., me.
So, Iām doing the things – running the numbers, if you will – to be calculated and intentional. Iām limiting my exposure, wearing my mask, getting āsocialā again (but still physical-distancing). Iāve also had to make the tough decision to be selective and only fraternize with those who are also taking a calculated approach. All for the love of my dad.
Have you heard the analogy that staying safe during Covid is like practicing safe-sex? While amusing, it really does nail it (pun intended).
My husband came across this Facebook post written by Dr. Alicia Zysman Cromwell, a Family Medicine Physician:
I see many posts and get many questions from patients about what level of socializing is safe in the time of COVID. Can my kids play with friends? Can we have a socially distanced barbecue? Itās challenging because there are so many unknowns but, fortunately, we do have a very good framework to think about how to do this and that is SEXUAL DECISION MAKINGā¦
Social activity, like sex, is an intrinsic biologic driveā¦
Hereās how I think about it in order of lower to higher risk:
Safest: Stay at home equals abstinence. The only 100% safe method. Not sustainable in the long term AND abstinence-only education only leads to people taking more risk because they donāt have the knowledge to keep themselves safe.
Next: Mutual monogamy with protection. In sex this means condoms. In COVID it means masks and social distancing. In sex it means one partner. In COVID it means one other household. Very safe. Minimal increased risk compared to abstinence.
Next: Monogamy without protection. Also very safe with one major caveat. It ONLY works if both partners are monogamous. Before you do it you have THE TALK and you have to have trust and open communication. You need to know that your partner is not having unprotected interactions with anyone else.
But what if you donāt want just one partner or family? What if you want to see more people? The answer is PROTECTION. If you are going to have multiple sex partners you must use condoms EVERY SINGLE TIME. If you are going to have multiple social partners, you must use masks and social distancing EVERY SINGLE TIME.
And, just like sex, not all protection is created equal. ALL parties in masks are safer than one party in masks. Masks are safer than physical distancing (since no one can really follow 6 feet apart 100% of the time.) Smaller groups are always safer than larger groups. Few interactions are safer than many interactions. And alcohol and drugs cloud your judgment and put you and everyone at higher risk.
So, find where you fall on the spectrum. What level of risk feels comfortable to you? But please be thoughtful and safe, to protect you, your family, your friends, and your community.
Call me a prude but the good doctor’s analogy really resonates with me.
For the love of my dad, I need to not āget in bedā with the āover itā crowd. And donāt think itās not creeping me out a little bit that Iām talking about sex and multiple-partners and disease and MY DAD all in the same sentence. Eew. I digressā¦
Letās next talk about the pressure associated with the decision to limit exposure to the āover itā crowd. Itās sometimes heartbreaking. It means having awkward conversations with friends and loved ones and missing out on events. But what Iāve learned the hard way is that those conversations are imperative! We must have THE TALK!
Initially, I feared what others would think; that Iād be judged (and probably I am, but outwardly, the response has been positive thus far). Letting people know where I stand is good for everyone. It typically results in me acknowledging your COVID-promiscuity comfort level and in return feeling validated in my prudence.
Iāve found the āitās not you, itās meā approach to be most effective.
As Iām out more and more, it feels like āno oneā is social distancing or taking measures to protect one another. Yet, I canāt help but wonder if itās more so a matter of group-think – that we get out there and see that āmost peopleā arenāt doing the things and so we get a) a false sense that the protective measures are no longer important, or that b) weāll be judged (or look ridiculous) if we play it safe. I have to believe that Iām not the only one thinking this way. Anyone with me on this?
Look, I donāt think all of this is going away any time soon. Iām no doctor or scientist, but my money is on another year before we have some resolution or antidote. But Iād rather suffer through a hard year and get to keep my dad around for twenty more than risk it all because I had the privilege of getting āover itā – or worse, felt shamed into it.
So, for the love of my dad, my message is thisā¦
Donāt assume. Donāt judge. Be respectful. And give yourself and others grace! If youāre practicing safe-contact, be confident with your stance and donāt let others shame you. Know that youāre not alone. Donāt get peer-pressured into not using protection, and finally be prepared to initiate AND RECEIVE the hard conversations! Youāll have to make sacrifices but in the end, it wonāt be someoneās life youāre sacrificing.